Hello Everyone!
I’ve decided that I should start a blog to not only work on my accountability to my goals, but to help others that may be in my position. Let’s start with introductions.
I’m 22 almost 23 and am a dancer wanna-be. As a young girl, being Aurora or Clara was a dream, and I’d constantly dream of being in a huge pink tutu with pointe shoes and a tiara, of course. It’s a true cliche for all young dancers, boys included (work that tiara guys!), but sometimes reality is stronger and more prevalent. I lived with my single mom and my paternal grandparents between the ages of about 5 through to 18, and while we didn’t have it terrible by any means, it was tough. Money was tight and my family did their best to raise my brother and I in love, God, and humble surroundings, and what a wonderful job they’ve done. Unfortunately, that meant there was no extra cash for dance lessons. No pink tights, no colorful leotards, and definitely no pointe shoes or tiaras, but I did have family and a place to call home so I understood how fortunate I was.
Still, there were so many times I remember looking up videos and tutorials trying desperately to tap into this beautiful world of dancers. I’d shut the door to my wildly pink bedroom, crank up my CD player, and dance until I fell to the floor in tears; extraordinary happiness pulsing through my beating heart and yet indescribable pain at reality. I had no money, no studio, and no way of reaching into the world of ballet. All I had was a dream and desperate prayers. I was, though conflicted, logical as a child as well, and so instead of trying to fill my head with “ridiculous” ideals about making into a company, I began my pursuit for a college degree in biology to eventually try and achieve a veterinary degree. Dance was pushed away from my mind and I assumed that would be the end of the discussion. I had made the adult decision.
My freshman year of college started and as fate would have it, my first roommate was a dancer. She tumbled and danced in high school and showed me pictures of her cheer-leading at her school’s sports events. She explained how she was going to complete her dance degree while in college and my reaction at the time was annoyance. “What a waste of money and time” I thought. It seemed like such a waste to come to college and not come out with a reputable degree like science or marketing. What could she possibly do with a dance degree that would get her a stable job with stable income where she could climb the corporate ladder. What I see now is how jealous I was and how unfair it was to place my insecurities in her lap. In that moment I didn’t realize how sorry and ashamed I would feel once I came to terms with how I really felt, but I have sense asked and received forgiveness for thinking that doing something you truly love could ever be considered a waste of anything.
I took a yoga class my spring semester of freshman year which happened to take place in the same space as all of the dance classes on campus. Try as I might, I couldn’t shake the longing I felt when I watched the ballet and modern classes leave the studio, because as relaxing as yoga was, I think my heart knew it’s not what I craved. That same semester, auditions for the Spring Dance Concert began and all students in a dance related class were invited; including yoga class. I fought back and forth with my heart and my head during the weeks leading up to the audition, and I’m pleased now that my heart won out.
I performed for the next three years and took up classes offered in college and at a local dance studio where I felt my heart soar. I felt my walls crumbling and my resolve buckling as as received my first pair of pointe shoes: Russian Pointe Rubins. Even now the smell and feel of my first shoes brings me to tears (perhaps it’s because they wreak of sweat now but still). For the first time in my whole life, I felt like the dancer I dreamed to be and even tried auditioning for companies during my senior year…and then I graduated and life became real again. I moved back home just to become deployed to my fiance’s first duty station and bills began to increase and jobs nor dance companies wanted me. I walked by the pile of leotards and tights in my bedroom as days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months with no idea whether I’d be prancing around in a studio again. I was an adult. I had responsibility. I had bills and cats to feed and a relationship to maintain. Again, dance was pushed aside and I questioned my purpose in this life.
I prayed and grieved, angry that God would allow me to taste this life if He knew I’d never reach it. I was mad at myself for letting my heart decide over what my brain knew to be true: I wasn’t good enough because I had no experience. Desire wasn’t enough in this world and I had been foolish to think I’d make it with nothing more than a child’s dream.
Two months later, I found myself still bruised from the harsh revelation, but alive. I’d been applying to jobs all over, desperate to get income for us while my heart still pushed me to The Royal Ballet videos on Youtube and the New York City Ballet. Still hopeful, my mind became overshadowed again with my desire to be in a studio, and even though I knew I had no money or means to take classes, I found myself researching local studios. On one particular studio website, I noticed a tab for career opportunities and I clicked, expecting nothing, until I read about the receptionist job they had open. I reasoned that it was technically a job and that by not applying I’d be wasting an opportunity for income. I sent my resume to the described email and dismissed the idea of an interview immediately.
That week I was chatting with an old friend that happened to live in the area and go to our new church. She had been encouraging and helping me and my fiance adjust to our new area and had also been praying for my job search when I mentioned the studio I’d applied to and joked that like past applications, it would probably go unnoticed. Our friend didn’t laugh and instead mentioned that she actually worked with the Executive Board for that particular group and if I really wanted the job, she would advocate for me and help me get the job. I felt my world stop a few hours earlier when I received a phone call from the studio offering an interview. My breathing slowed as a few hours after my interview, I received the job at the studio. Tears flowed freely when I realized that as their employee, I could take as many of their classes with no charge. And I fell to my knees two days ago when a lady from another company taking class with us, asked me to come take company class with them this week while she talked to her director about me auditioning for their 2nd Company and their Nutcracker production.
What I want this long intro and future blog type posts to be is inspiration. I am not Sarah Mearns, Misty Copeland, Michaela Deprince, or Sarah Lamb. There is still no guarantee that I will make it in this world of ballet dancers and tiaras. I get sore easy, my extensions are sub-par, my splits are a work in progress, and my feet don’t move quick enough for petit allegro. But I will say this: I am a dancer and I will work as hard as necessary to achieve my spot. I will continue taking classes and doing workouts to improve my body, I will continue in my prayer to improve my mind, and I will constantly remind not just myself but others around me that it is not impossible to do what you love no matter what realities come into play. Carlin Isles said this year, “You don’t have to be your circumstances”. When reality hits you hard, make it into your fuel. It sounds cliche and it takes practice, but it is possible to mold life’s hardships into that fire that pushes you through to the next hurtle. If you ever feel like you need someone to help you or feel like all is lost and hopeless, turn to the Lord, turn to your heart, and look forward, because you have everything you need to reach your future.
You are Special, You are Beautiful, and You will Soar
What are dreams you have, ballet or otherwise? What are the conflicts you face trying to reach them? What can you do to progress? What can I do to help?
